A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

 "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

 "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

 But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

 About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

 "Oh, he died," the boy said.

 The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

 "Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

 "Oh? What was it then?"

 "I think it was the spin cycle!"

Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile? Both are offensive and inaccurate.

How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog? The dog knows when to stop scratching.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a violin.

Haydn's Chopin Liszt at Vivaldi's:

Rossini and cheese

Schumann polish

Bern-n-stein remover

Satie mushrooms �

batteries (Purcell)

BeethOVEN cleaner

Hummel microwave meals

orange Schubert

TchaiCOUGHsky drops


Honey-nut Berlioz


Chef Boyardee Raveli

sour cream and Ives

Strauss (straws)

chocolate Webers (wafers)

Del Monteverdi corn

Mozart-rella cheese

I Can't Believe it's not Rutter

Bach of serial (opera)

chicken Balakirev

new door Handel

Golden Brahms


Little Debussy snack cakes

Oscar Meyerbeer bologna


string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.

detach�: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.

glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.

senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.

preparatory beat: a threat made to singers, i.e., sing, or else....

crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

clef: something to jump from before the viola solo.

transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.

vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying hi instrument.

coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.

chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.

bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.

ad libitum: a premiere.

beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.

cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes.

lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.

virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one)

music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.

oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.

tenor: two hours before a nooner.

diminished fifth: an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

perfect fifth: a full bottle of Jack Daniels.

ritard: there's one in every family.

relative major: an uncle in the Marine Corps.

relative minor: a girlfriend.

big band: when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.

pianissimo: "refill this beer bottle".

repeat: what you do until they just expel you.

treble: women ain't nothin' but. �

bass: the things you run around in softball.

portamento: a foreign country you've always wanted to see.

conductor: the man who punches your ticket to Birmingham. �

arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?" �

tempo: good choice for a used car. �

A 440: the highway that runs around Nashville. �


men who wear dresses.

An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece cut time: